I thought I’d dedicate today’s post to the great Jan Berenstain, who died Friday at the age of 88. Jan and her husband, Stan (though I usually advocate steering clear of rhyming spousal names, I’ll make an exception here), wrote and illustrated hundreds of books, among them the popular “Berenstain Bears” series.
I devoured these books when I was a kid. Somewhere in Circle Pines, Minn., sits a stack of dog-eared, well-loved books that taught me the dangers of junk food and strangers and greed and partying. I read them constantly, over and over again, but I always gravitated toward one book in particular.
Which brings me to the purpose of this post. I conducted a highly scientific study in which I made things up and wrote them down so that you, dear reader, can see what your favorite BB books says about you. Let’s get started with my top read.
You are: probably suffering from an eating disorder.
Your favorite web site is: Food Porn Daily.
You should: allow yourself to eat a few of those huge gumballs. You still dream about them, don’t you?
You are: still watching TV eight hours a day, including anything Kardashian-related. You tweet about how much you hate Courtney on “The Bachelor.” You claim to go running a lot, but we know what you really do.
Your favorite web site is: Reality Steve.
You should: make sure to rotate once every two hours.
You are: probably sitting at home right now, worried that someone might cut the screens, unlock the windows and stab you to death.
Your favorite web site is: 48 Hours Mystery.
You should: relax and realize that the person most likely to kill you isn’t a stranger at all.
You like: “The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble With Friends,” in which Sister Bear tries to befriend Mean Girl Lizzy Bruin, who keeps a razor blade in her weave and smirkingly calls Sister’s pink overalls “cute.”
You are: one of those terrible people who says she has trouble getting along with other women. You blame this on jealously, when the real problem is that you’re a terrible person.
Your favorite web site is: Facebook.
You should: go about your business, because you won’t be told what to do.
You like: “The Berenstain Bears and The Messy Room,” in which Mama Bear and her rubber gloves freak out after finding Sister and Brother’s room overflowing with toys, candy and raccoon droppings. She proceeds to throw away all their belongings, which prompts a call to child protective services. In the end, everyone is obsessed with organizers.
You are: suffering from OCD, and your copy of this book is neatly preserved in a sheath of plastic.
Your favorite web site is: Things Organized Neatly.
You should: come over if you’re bored.
You like: “The Berenstain Bears’ Trouble with Money,” in which Sister and Brother sell their father’s honey tree secrets and finally move out of that embarrassing gnarly tree. Brother runs for office, Sister gets extensive plastic surgery and no one listens to Mama’s relentless nagging after they send her to an old bears home.
You are: a Republican.
Your favorite web site is: Fox News.
You should: explain Rick Santorum to me. I mean, that’s a joke, right?
You like: “The Berenstain Bears Visit the Dentist,” in which we are supposed to believe that bears actually get fillings.
You are: fond of nitrous oxide.
Your favorite web site is: This.
You should: be a little less gullible, don’t you think?
You like: “The Berenstain Bears and the Bad Habit,” in which Mama duct-tapes Sister to the wall as punishment for biting her nails. When this proves ineffective, Mama bribes Sister instead, paving the way for Sister’s burgeoning Republicanism and Mama’s path to the Jell-O and bed sores home.
You are: still biting your nails. And probably smoking now, too.
Your favorite web site is: My Strange Addiction.
You should: be glad you prefer biting your nails to eating couch cushions or licking your dead husband’s ashes.