Makeup makes the woman (better)

Just want to drop this nugget for my fellow fugly ladies. The reason you aren’t getting respect at work isn’t because you’re lazy or slow or slurping from the box of white zinfandel in your bottom desk drawer — it’s because you aren’t disguising your natural heinousness enough!

I’ve been busy doing important things like keeping Papa John’s in business, so I missed this story in the Times about a Procter & Gamble-funded study that shows makeup makes you appear to be a better person. I already knew this, of course. When I go to the grocery store looking like this…

…no one will tell me where they keep the fancy cheese.

I’ve solved this by putting on so much mascara that even Tammy Faye would be like, “Whoa, whoa,” and they practically throw the Gruyere at me when I walk in the door.

The Times says:

Wearing makeup — but not gobs of Gaga-conspicuous makeup — apparently can help. It increases people’s perceptions of a woman’s likability, her competence and (provided she does not overdo it) her trustworthiness, according to a new study, which also confirmed what is obvious: that cosmetics boost a woman’s attractiveness.

(I’ve not done my own study, but I imagine the line moves the other way when we’re talking about guys. I can’t even look a man in the face when he’s wearing eyeliner. I know this is wrong.)

I’m sure P&G, which sells cosmetics, is tickled subtly pink by this study, but I’m not. My most trustworthy face I can put forward is my real one — a brave face filled with lines and blemishes and a startling lack of cheekbones. Any makeup you see is merely trying to hide an insecurity. And if that makes you like me more, I wish you wouldn’t.

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